The Dump Your Wife Holiday Season Gift Giving Guide

November 21, 2007

holiday gift giving guideBefore you know it, the holiday gift giving season will be upon us. Christmas shopping can seem like a daunting task instead of bringing you pleasant tidings. Our handy gift giving guide will walk you through the ins and outs of Christmas holiday gift giving. Let us show you the items you need to shop for, to make that old battle ax in your life happy. It’s never fun to be on the hunt searching for that perfect gift with Santa Claus on his way and time running out. Using our gift guide as a tool for your Christmas gift giving, shopping will now be fun and relaxing. Here are 10 perfect jewelry gift ideas for your imperfect woman:

10. Great Gift Idea for the Totally Catty Woman

10-cat-claw-rings.jpgDoes your lady watch people like they were her prey, and then slash them down with her unkind comments? If your lady is nice on the outside but cruel on the inside, these Cat Claw Rings are the perfect gift for her. Tell her that this gift reminded you of her and her cattiness. Now, with her Cat Claw Rings, she can rip people apart with just her words or use her sharp claws.

9. Great Gift Idea for the Anal-Retentive Woman

09-e***a-bag-brooch-pin.jpgDoes your lady drive you crazy with her obsessive cleaning? Does she follow you around the house, putting everything you touch back in its proper place practically before you are done touching it? If she has a compulsive need to keep things orderly, then this e***a Bag Brooch Pin is the perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her anal – retentiveness. Now, with e***a Bag Brooch Pin, she can just blow all her rules and annoying compulsions right out of her @$$.

8. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Preaches About Saving the Planet

08-grow-a-plant-ring.jpgIs your lady one of those alfalfa sprouts eating chicks that looks at you aghast when you try to enjoy a steak but conveniently ignores the cow killed for her leather boots? Is she constantly worrying out loud about how we are killing the rain-forest as she drives her gas guzzler to the store instead of walking a block to get to it? If she’s is an “all talk” environmentalist, this Grow a Plant ring will be perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift made you think of her and how she should really use all the hot air she is spewing to grow something green. Now, with her ring, she can finally do something good for the planet rather than merely talk about it.

7. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Sucks the Life Out of You

07-blood-vial-rings.jpg Does your lady ask you for everything and then ask you for more? Is your lady slowly draining the life blood out of you? Does she seem to get visibly happier when you are start feeling miserable? If your lady sucks your energy and joy for life out of you, the Blood Vial Earrings will be the perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her unique ability to deplete you of your happiness. Now, with the Blood Vial Earrings, when she sucks the life blood out of a man, she will have a handy place to store it.

6. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Can’t Get Anybody to Listen to Her

06-we-hear-you-brooch.jpgDoes your lady have the ability to bore a tree? Is she constantly telling you stories that no one wants to hear, least of all you? If your lady is always looking to you for a sympathetic ear, and rarely finding it, this I Am All Ears Brooch is the perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her constant need to talk and have others listen. Now, with the I Am All Ears Brooch, she can finally have ears that can’t run away and avoid her tiresome stories.

5. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Is a Total Ball Buster

05-hold-my-b***s.jpgDoes your lady have you by the b***s? Are you afraid of doing anything you enjoy because you just dread having to deal with her and her fussing at you? If your lady has crushed your ability to speak up or to fight for what you want, this Hold My b***s Necklace is the perfect gift for her.Tell her if you still have any guts left that this gift reminded you of her and her control you and crush your manhood. Now, with the Hold My b***s Necklace, she can just tie a string around your man-parts and wear them on a chain.

4. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Loves Repeating Herself

04-microcassette.jpg Does your lady lecture you constantly, saying the same thing over and over? Can you practically recite what she is going to say on almost every occasion? If she is like a broken tape machine, the micro cassette earrings are the perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her love of hearing herself talk. Now, she can just record what she wants to say just once onto her micro cassette earrings and then play it whenever she wants. Wearing the tape, she will always have her favorite speeches with her.

3. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Lives in Fantasy Land

03-joysticknecklace.jpgDoes your lady choose to avoid the realities of her real life by constantly playing video games? Does she turn on a game every time she’s unhappy and spend too much time living the life she wishes she had in her virtual fantasy world? If your lady puts little effort into her real life to make it worth living and spends her time in fantasy land, the joystick necklace is perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her unhealthy fixation with fantasy. Now, with the silver joystick necklace, she can always play her video games and use it to pretend that she has a man that actually cares about her.

2. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Thinks She’s Better than Others

02-usb_bible.jpgIs your lady one of those holier-than-thou types who thinks she’s morally better than other people? Is she frequently referencing the good book to make others feel no good? If your woman uses her superficial knowledge of the Bible to deem others unworthy and to deflect criticism from herself, the Digital USB Bible Pendant will be the perfect gift for her. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her false religiosity. Now with the Digital Bible USB there for her to reference at all times, she can perhaps read what the Bible says and not use mis-quoted Bible passages to pass judgment on everyone but herself.

1. Great Gift Idea for the Woman Who Wants You Around ALL the Time

01-grown-from-your-own-bones.jpgDoes your lady fundamentally disagree with the fact that spending time away from each other can be a good thing? If she is the type of lady who is not happy unless you are right by her side every day and every moment of every day, the Grown From Your Own Bones Ring is the perfect gift for her. In this lab in the United Kingdom, they can take some of your bone (you can give them a chopped off finger or if you think you may want to keep all your fingers, a wisdom tooth) and they will grow more bone from it and carve it up for you into a ring. Tell her this gift reminded you of her and her insatiable desire to have you with her always. Now, with a ring made from your bones, she can literally hold you at all times in the palm of her hands. Perhaps she can finally give you some space to breathe.



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5 Responses to “The Dump Your Wife Holiday Season Gift Giving Guide”

  1. Clare on November 21st, 2007 11:07 am

    One of you really ought to buy your favorite chick (Thats ME in case you needed a reminder) the testicle necklace.

    But only if they have it in silver. Gold is just tacky.

  2. Silvio on November 24th, 2007 1:28 pm

    Actually, millions and millions men must buy the testicle necklace. That’s what i see everywhere. Women have their men by the b***s in almost every aspect of life that envolves man-woman.

  3. Exploited on December 1st, 2007 10:18 am

    I prefer to give memories, like a cruise or vacation, f**k giving gold and silver. Gold and silver is like handing over a sack of money she will cash in when you break up, laughing all the way to the bank.Memories are the best gift. They are fun as hell at the time, gives her something to brag about to her friends, and becomes a painful reminder of how awesome you were, after she cheats on you and the relationship ends.

    Memories, the greatest gift!

  4. OzCynic on December 7th, 2007 2:26 pm

    Hee hee, ho boy DO I RELATE TO THAT LOT ABOVE! I have been put through it on every level except the Greenie Hypocrite. Those I have not had the dubious pleasure of observing at close range (though Kari Byron on Mythbusters is certainly living up to my distant observations that chicks who are Greenies are usually very boastful about how sadistic and cruel they are) , but I can work out what to buy for them: A NICE JUICY STEAK!

    Cooked medium RARE…my favourite.

  5. Steve Payne on December 9th, 2007 7:30 am

    Loved the gifts suited for all types can’t wait to order from the Christmas catalogue.

Did you know there is someone right now in willing to cheat on their spouse to have fun with you?

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