Dump The Chump: Why Do Women Divorce?
April 28, 2007
More wives than husbands are leaving what they call lifeless marriages in record numbers and filing for divorce. Many men say they never saw it coming according to Gail Rosenblum, of the Star Tribune (Source: startribune.com/389/story/1091028.html)
Alicia Lahti knew that people viewed her 23-year marriage as happy. And why not? Her husband was “a wonderful man,” she said. Together they built a home and careers, traveled and raised two “brilliant kids,” now 17 and 21.
So relatives and friends were shocked when, a year and a half ago, 46-year-old Lahti asked for a divorce. “I loved my husband, but I was not in love with him like you should be in love,” said Lahti of St. Louis Park.
A growing number of women seem to be drawing the same conclusion. Although the first-time divorce rate has been declining since the 1970s, and now hovers just under 50 percent, there’s been an unmistakable increase in the percentage of midlife women like Lahti doing the asking. A study commissioned by AARP in 2004 revealed that nationwide, women in their 40s, 50s and beyond now initiate 66 percent of divorces. More than one-fourth of their husbands, the study reported, were stupefied. Never saw it coming.
“I am a divorced father who was simply dropped by his wife,” e-mailed Curtis from St. Paul, who asked that his full name not be used to protect his children. His “past” wife, as he calls her, has moved away and he does not keep in touch with her. “There was no drug, alcohol, infidelity or abuse reasons. She simply said that I was ‘boring’ and ‘spent too much time with the kids.’ This is the most common scenario in the majority of divorces. It’s not neat and clean like pro-divorce people want to make it out to be.”
While “boring” may make some wince, it’s not far from the reasons many women give for leaving. Physical and emotional abuse, infidelity and substance abuse are still high on the list, but women more often speak about simple unhappiness, lousy communication and loneliness.
Facing decades of good years ahead of them, financially healthy and not constrained by the stigma of divorce that kept many of their mothers married, they make the leap.
While many men are blindsided by their wives’ departure, many women say they sent out signals for years. In the AARP study, about one-third of women 50 and older said they began thinking about leaving at least two years before they did it. One in 10 women thought about it for a decade or longer.
The problem may be in how women send signals, said Neil Chethik, author of the new book, “VoiceMale,” featuring men’s candid opinions about marriage, s*x and housework. Women like to talk it out, he said, which is difficult for many men who are not as well-trained in the face-to-face emotional approach. “Men resist and resist and then the woman stops pushing it. Frankly, that’s when I say to men, ‘Watch out.’ When she turns off, it’s not that she’s forgotten. It’s that she’s started to give up on the relationship.”
One reality for men, Chethik discovered in his research, is that marriage is often good enough for them. “But women feel like, if it’s not very good and growing and getting better, it’s not good enough.”
Still, not all divorces are initiated enthusiastically. Some women, particularly in high-income couplings, may feel pushed to petition for the split, to take back control after a husband announces he is leaving her for someone else. Deirdre Bair, author of “Calling it Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over,” calls this “CEO-itis: If he’s going to ditch me, I’m going in there to get mine first.”
All over the world
Bair’s research, which included interviews with 184 women and 126 men from their early 50s to 80s, supports the finding that women are generally the instigators, and not just in the United States. “All of a sudden, it’s women in record numbers all over the world,” Bair said, including Australia, New Zealand and Switzerland. In Germany, “it’s an epidemic.” The biggest reason, she said, is “emotional distance. [Women] said, ‘We just didn’t have anything in common; he never showed me any affection, or a compliment or a birthday present.’ They just didn’t want to be a part of that relationship anymore.”
Men leave for many of the same reasons, she said. They fall out of love or into love with someone else. They’re tired of doing what others expect of them.
Not all make the dramatic leap to divorce. Bair said she was stunned by the number of couples in her research she calls “divorced while married.” These couples, she said, “live separate lives within the same house. They eat meals separately and have separate bedrooms. They have separate friends and separate activities but, when the kids come home or company comes in, they pretend they’re together and everything is just fine.”
While women who do walk sing the praises of freedom, many men left in the lurch quickly get down to the business of recoupling. In the AARP study, more than 80 percent of men in their 50s had a serious, exclusive relationship as quickly as two years post-divorce. (And despite their cry for freedom, 75 percent of women did, too.)
So how do men feel after divorce: Are we trading in the old wife for a new younger model and a really cool life in the fast lane? Highly unlikely according to this horse hockey by ABC news. But have faith brothers! There are many who have turned themselves from being the doormat to a warrior in court to get their fair share. ABC news seems to have forgotten those brave warriors. Source: abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=132639&page=1
8 doormats spill their guts to the world.
“I was so lost in myself after divorce, I didn’t know who the hell I was,” said John Heany, a salesman from St. Louis.
“I was terrified of it. I was terrified of being alone actually,” offered Scott Bolden, a Washington lawyer.
“It was a death of dreams … a death of hopes and wishes,” moaned Joe Thompson, a twice-divorced banker.”
These men sound like they never knew who they were inside, that they could not be comfortable with their own company and had unrealistic visions of what the dream is. Ok let’s assume their wives were just like the one described in this Irish toast below:
Here’s to the perfect girl,
I couldn’t ask for more.
She’s deaf ‘n dumb, oversexed,
and owns a liquor store
That being the case, I must admit that I too would be lost. I would indeed be very unhappy losing a deaf ‘n dumb, and oversexed liquor store owner.
The article goes on to say:
Statistics show that in two-thirds of all American divorces, it’s the women who file for divorce.
And while men usually fare better financially than women in a divorce, experts say it’s the men who are much more likely to come unglued emotionally — seriously unglued.
Not sure where they get that idea? Men have been getting reamed in court for ages.
Eugene Palmore, a musician and seminary student in New York, told me that when his marriage ended more than 10 years ago, he spent weeks “not just crying …. I was wailing, and beating my pillow, just wondering, why?”
I asked the men in our group if they agreed with Palmore that it was far harder, emotionally, than they thought it would be. All raised their hands.
Most striking was Jim Martin, a purchasing manager from Connecticut. After his second divorce, he ended up in a three-room apartment in an attic. He couldn’t bring himself to furnish it. In fact, he told me those first few months were so dark that he contemplated suicide. His family, he thought, would be better off.
The truth is that men don’t do well alone. Some statistics show divorced men are eight times more likely than divorced women to commit suicide. And men without wives are twice as likely to suffer depression and heart attacks. (Could it be a sign of my drive for self-preservation that I’ve been married three times?)
Typically, a man’s first reaction to a marriage ending is anger. And it can be self-directed. Lots of divorced guys start smoking and drinking more. And many jump way too quickly into new relationships — relationships that are usually doomed.
“I was totally devastated at the time of my first marriage going bad, and ended up marrying practically the first girl I dated thereafter,” said Thompson. Not surprisingly, the second marriage didn’t last that long.
Eventually, all of the men in our group went into counseling. None of them ever expected that being alone could feel as bad as it did.
Counseling? Brothers, as you know by now, our site is all your need. Save your money.
Here’s more horse-hockey for your brothers, yes, the Mangina press machine tries it’s best to brainwash. It’s sad, but we are fighting it.
A Code of Masculinity
Terry Real, a psychologist and author of How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women, says our culture’s masculine code dictates that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt. And it’s simply a lie.”
As I listened to our group of guys, I couldn’t help but wonder why it took a crisis for them to get in touch with their feelings. Hadn’t they been exposed to the women’s movement, or the men’s movement, for that matter? Hadn’t they heard of Mars and Venus? Or Oprah and Dr. Phil?
No, they probably haven’t, according to Real. “I think we like to think that there’s a lot more movement in men than there actually is. Oftentimes, I’ll say, ‘Would you treat a colleague or a supervisor the way you’re treating your wife?’”
The answer, says Real, is no, because they’d get fired. Part of the masculine code, he says, is a sense of entitlement, a sense that men can “go home, rip open our belts, pop open a beer, belch and be loved. And we just don’t get away with that anymore.”
And thank goodness for that.
What a load of Freakin Dung! You see the Dung slung at us daily by the mangina press? Brothers we are disrespected every day by the manginas and the femhags who hold jobs in the press.
My sense is that the guys in our group, while remaining immune to change for so many years, are no longer in that state. In fact, they said several things that will stay with me.
First, they said if only their wives could see them now — if only they had changed while they were married — then perhaps their unions might have survived.
“I needed to be more attentive and I needed to do more listening, and I needed to pay more attention to my family than all the external success out there,” said Bolden.
Second, they have high hopes for future relationships. Changing their ways may have come too late to save their last marriages, but maybe not their next ones. Someday, they said they hope to remarry.
Unbelievable!!! You can see the skewed-hypnosis going on by the mangina-press, “We need to be better listeners? More attentive etc.” Always our fault eh? F.U!
Doormats wake up! Be men! If you remarry, you’re on your own.
My brothers over at the Don’t Get Married forum got it right: Here’s some brotherly love for you, since you made it this far in the posting!
Take away the 50%, child support, alimony, all her legal fees paid for and tell me cupcake will be in favor of “just” walking.
Women are entitlement princesses, and think every moment is about them, and it better be “fun”.
They have no idea how well they had it until feminism destroyed marriage.
These women are getting divorced because they are following the trend of all their girl-friends.
Oops, I really meant -
“You just arent appreciating me enough.”
‘You dont value my needs as a woman.’
‘You are so demanding/dominating/controlling.’
‘You are so weak/timid/boring.’
But it is still OK, because -
“I still love you. I’m just not in love with you.”
Do women think for themselves? Or is it like I’ve stated 1 million times before? They are all plugged in to this one central female neurotic brain cloaked somewhere in orbit, and instead of thought processes, outputs from algorithms are sent to each woman for every emotion, feeling, ‘thought’, and word they say.
Independent reasoning and thought? Not possible.
They’ll find out when men finally demand justice: You want out of the marriage contract because you’re bored, not because of fault? Fine. No house. No “half” of the investments, pensions, etc. No alimony (“allhismoney”). No child support. You abandon your marriage (male or female) without just cause, then you walk with the clothes on your back. It’s called abandonment. It should be like breaking any OTHER contract: You make the other person whole. Logic and justice demand this, and so someday it will happen – if we make it happen. Until then, women can have their cake and eat my cake, too. So of COURSE they divorce! Heck, if my job had to pay me my salary even if I quit, do you think I’d go to work tomorrow?? (Actually I would; I have dignity and honor, but these are not topics women understand!).
Increased lifespan has made marriage obsolete. Imagine, for just a minute, that we could live twoo hundred years, marry at twenty five and be married for…one hundred and seventy five years…..
People used to live 40-50 years, marry at 20 and be married for 20-30 years. That was bad enough, but now………
The new way is cohabitation with partner change every 2-5 years. Much better, isn’t it?
And less costly,too.
Stay single and live your life.
B I N G O ! My last place of employment the 30 something women were divorcing one by one to keep up with their “friends” They talked each other into divorce–I believe it’s called “herd mentality” women can’t think independently.
They’ll find out when men finally demand justice: You want out of the marriage contract because you’re bored, not because of fault? Fine. No house. No “half” of the investments, pensions, etc. No alimony (“allhismoney”). No child support. You abandon your marriage (male or female) without just cause, then you walk with the clothes on your back. It’s called abandonment. It should be like breaking any OTHER contract: You make the other person whole. Logic and justice demand this, and so someday it will happen – if we make it happen. Until then, women can have their cake and eat my cake, too. So of COURSE they divorce! Heck, if my job had to pay me my salary even if I quit, do you think I’d go to work tomorrow?? (Actually I would; I have dignity and honor, but these are not topics women understand!).”
Exactly. My 20 something friend believes in No Fault divorce, 50-50 split, women get house, children, child support, pensions. I asked her what if the laws changed so men and women left with only what they came in with, and the main bread winner keeps the house, children, pensions, all the assets? She said that would not be fair to women. Notice she admits women are leeching off of men, and it’s ok, but a man keeping his assets and children is unfair?
I really believe women aren’t capable of rational, logical, reasonable, or realistic thought. They need other women to make decisions for them–Herd Mentality.
Western laws and culture have combined into a powerful force that sometimes brings out the worst of human nature.
Selfishness. Envy. Narcissism. All are characteristics that have been demonstrated by the women in this article. Why did they dump their husbands?
“I was not in love with him like you should be in love…”
“She simply said that I was ‘boring’…”
“…’spent too much time with the kids’…”
“if it’s (the marriage) not very good and growing and getting better, it’s not good enough.”
“We just didn’t have anything in common…”
These women have been seduced by what I call “the need for perfection”. For years, modern media have taught these women about “relationships”. In their own minds, they form a platonic ideal on relationships, and find that their reality doesn’t quite measure up.
Now, start adding envy…narcissism…selfishness…and what do you get? Women who will abandon their marriages (and sometimes hurt a lot of people in the process), all because they couldn’t be satisfied with what they had…
I find it interesting that women push men in to marriage, and then when the marriage doesn’t live up to the fantasy women have in their minds, they kick their husbands to the curb.
I sat across the table from a late thirties single Mom. A Brunette Hottie. Who told me she Divorced her First Husband because she was BORED. They had a Daughter, he was a good Father, worked hard. Provided well for her. Did not abuse her, mistreat her. He did not drink, engage in any vices, he was just boring. This is reality fellas. Women are unrealistic. And collectively insane.
dataguy (author of The Key To Understanding Women) provides some keen insight to the equation:
You know, it’s amazing. I’d say it’s a coincidence but it’s not. There’s a woman in my office right now who’s divorcing her husband, and she’s the one moving out. No apparent evidence of drugs, booze, abuse, or cheating. She just wasn’t “happy”. I swear to god nothing is ever really good enough for them.
The answer to the age old question, “What do women want?” isn’t puzzling or mysterious at all. A woman wants what ever some other woman she is aware of has, that she doesn’t have, and she wants it right now at this moment.
And for however long she doesn’t have it, she will whine and whine and whine and complain and complain and complain until she gets it. And from the moment she gets it, it’s only a matter of time before that’s not good enough either, because she just became aware of something else that some other woman has, that she doesn’t have, and now she has to have that, too. And of course she has to have it right now at this moment
If the woman across the street gets to stay at home with her kids, that’s what she wants. On the other hand, if the woman across the street gets to dump her kids in day care 12 hours a day and go off to a six-figure job, that’s what she wants.
If there is a woman at work who just had a baby, that’s what she wants. And if there’s a woman at work with three kids who’s splitting from her husband because she’s just not happy, then that’s what she wants.
There is one thing, and only one thing, that you can absolutely count on any woman to do, and that is what ever she thinks is going to make her feel emotionally comfortable, right now, at this moment. And, as often as not, that want was instigated by her awareness of something some other woman has that she doesn’t have.
Basically men who get married in Western countries are in a no-win situation. As we are all aware the narcissistic entitlement princesses most Western women are, demand the “five star lifestyle” IE. the expensive house in the rich suburb, the expensive car/4WD (SUV),expensive jewellery. regular overseas holidays etc. However such a lifestyle requires a large income to pay for it.
This usually means the poor husband will be slaving way in a high pressure job with long hours, leaving his wife alone for long periods of time. The “bored housewife”, usually will complain about how her husband doesn’t spend enough time with her and the kids, she will then probably have an affair or will divorce her husband as he “didn’t meet her needs”.
One principle in a free market economy is that competition makes people work hard. There is an element of fear (of unemployment) that motivates people and keeps them sharp. In a planned economy, people grow complacent, accustomed to a “free lunch”, and subsequently slack off, develop attitude, show up late, refuse to re-educate periodically, get stale, etc, etc.
I suppose this is the same thing in marriage. If “the wife” knows she’s gonna get a free lunch whether she sticks around or not, then basically she’s enjoying the fruits of socialism, while husband suffers the competition of capitalism. This is unacceptable. Unless the gal is really hot, or very rich. For example, Paris Hilton & Britney Spears are dirty s****s for sure, but they are a) young b) very rich. So a man is not liable to fair badly with either. Then again, there’s no telling how many Big Pharma wonder pills, booze, smoke & orgies she will indulge while attempting to fork() a child process.
Britney *child = new Britney(“drugs”, “alcohol”, “STDs”);
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” ~ Milton Friedman
one more thing…
I have two female pet birds, and all they want to 24×7, is build a nest. They are even too old to lay eggs anymore, but if you let them out of the cage, they immediately scan the room looking for paper to shred, including dollar bills, magazines, etc.
Then I think of the housing bubble, where all the proles honestly believes they can get richer trading houses with each other. Well thats probably how men justify taking on a gigantic mortage 5-10x salary. It’s almost certain women are behind the housing bubble, always on the hunt for a bigger & better nest, justifying it with some flimsy B.S. like “its in a good skool district” (ie. this monster mortgage is for the children, you’re not against the children, are you?), or that old mindless standby “real-estate ALWAYS goes up”, so don’t be a chump, and buy me a bigger nest.
So don’t be surprised if “the wife” does the menopause thing, and is still eager to spend Sunday mornings shopping for McMansions, and accouterments to stuff into McMansions. Don’t blame her either, its genetic.
With over 1200 replies about this article over at Free Republic, one post summed it up best:
..”She simply said that I was ‘boring”
Entertain me or I will walk. He lost nothing of true value.
I was one of those boring husbands.
You know, the ones who come home every night to their families instead of fooling around with the office girls.
The ones who play with their children instead of going to the bars with their buddies.
The ones who are faithful to their wives instead of hitting on the neighbor’s wives.
And yes, I’m divorced. Twice.
Some women feel they have to be treated like c**p before they’re happy.