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Dump The Chump: Why Do Women Divorce?

April 28, 2007

why women divorce photoMore wives than husbands are leaving what they call lifeless marriages in record numbers and filing for divorce. Many men say they never saw it coming according to Gail Rosenblum, of the Star Tribune (Source: startribune.com/389/story/1091028.html)

Alicia Lahti knew that people viewed her 23-year marriage as happy. And why not? Her husband was “a wonderful man,” she said. Together they built a home and careers, traveled and raised two “brilliant kids,” now 17 and 21.

So relatives and friends were shocked when, a year and a half ago, 46-year-old Lahti asked for a divorce. “I loved my husband, but I was not in love with him like you should be in love,” said Lahti of St. Louis Park.

A growing number of women seem to be drawing the same conclusion. Although the first-time divorce rate has been declining since the 1970s, and now hovers just under 50 percent, there’s been an unmistakable increase in the percentage of midlife women like Lahti doing the asking. A study commissioned by AARP in 2004 revealed that nationwide, women in their 40s, 50s and beyond now initiate 66 percent of divorces. More than one-fourth of their husbands, the study reported, were stupefied. Never saw it coming.

“I am a divorced father who was simply dropped by his wife,” e-mailed Curtis from St. Paul, who asked that his full name not be used to protect his children. His “past” wife, as he calls her, has moved away and he does not keep in touch with her. “There was no drug, alcohol, infidelity or abuse reasons. She simply said that I was ‘boring’ and ‘spent too much time with the kids.’ This is the most common scenario in the majority of divorces. It’s not neat and clean like pro-divorce people want to make it out to be.”

While “boring” may make some wince, it’s not far from the reasons many women give for leaving. Physical and emotional abuse, infidelity and substance abuse are still high on the list, but women more often speak about simple unhappiness, lousy communication and loneliness.

Facing decades of good years ahead of them, financially healthy and not constrained by the stigma of divorce that kept many of their mothers married, they make the leap.

While many men are blindsided by their wives’ departure, many women say they sent out signals for years. In the AARP study, about one-third of women 50 and older said they began thinking about leaving at least two years before they did it. One in 10 women thought about it for a decade or longer.

The problem may be in how women send signals, said Neil Chethik, author of the new book, “VoiceMale,” featuring men’s candid opinions about marriage, s*x and housework. Women like to talk it out, he said, which is difficult for many men who are not as well-trained in the face-to-face emotional approach. “Men resist and resist and then the woman stops pushing it. Frankly, that’s when I say to men, ‘Watch out.’ When she turns off, it’s not that she’s forgotten. It’s that she’s started to give up on the relationship.”

One reality for men, Chethik discovered in his research, is that marriage is often good enough for them. “But women feel like, if it’s not very good and growing and getting better, it’s not good enough.”

Still, not all divorces are initiated enthusiastically. Some women, particularly in high-income couplings, may feel pushed to petition for the split, to take back control after a husband announces he is leaving her for someone else. Deirdre Bair, author of “Calling it Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over,” calls this “CEO-itis: If he’s going to ditch me, I’m going in there to get mine first.”

All over the world

Bair’s research, which included interviews with 184 women and 126 men from their early 50s to 80s, supports the finding that women are generally the instigators, and not just in the United States. “All of a sudden, it’s women in record numbers all over the world,” Bair said, including Australia, New Zealand and Switzerland. In Germany, “it’s an epidemic.” The biggest reason, she said, is “emotional distance. [Women] said, ‘We just didn’t have anything in common; he never showed me any affection, or a compliment or a birthday present.’ They just didn’t want to be a part of that relationship anymore.”

Men leave for many of the same reasons, she said. They fall out of love or into love with someone else. They’re tired of doing what others expect of them.

Not all make the dramatic leap to divorce. Bair said she was stunned by the number of couples in her research she calls “divorced while married.” These couples, she said, “live separate lives within the same house. They eat meals separately and have separate bedrooms. They have separate friends and separate activities but, when the kids come home or company comes in, they pretend they’re together and everything is just fine.”
….

While women who do walk sing the praises of freedom, many men left in the lurch quickly get down to the business of recoupling. In the AARP study, more than 80 percent of men in their 50s had a serious, exclusive relationship as quickly as two years post-divorce. (And despite their cry for freedom, 75 percent of women did, too.)

So how do men feel after divorce: Are we trading in the old wife for a new younger model and a really cool life in the fast lane? Highly unlikely according to this horse hockey by ABC news. But have faith brothers! There are many who have turned themselves from being the doormat to a warrior in court to get their fair share. ABC news seems to have forgotten those brave warriors. Source: abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=132639&page=1

8 doormats spill their guts to the world.

“I was so lost in myself after divorce, I didn’t know who the hell I was,” said John Heany, a salesman from St. Louis.

“I was terrified of it. I was terrified of being alone actually,” offered Scott Bolden, a Washington lawyer.

“It was a death of dreams … a death of hopes and wishes,” moaned Joe Thompson, a twice-divorced banker.”

These men sound like they never knew who they were inside, that they could not be comfortable with their own company and had unrealistic visions of what the dream is. Ok let’s assume their wives were just like the one described in this Irish toast below:

Here’s to the perfect girl,
I couldn’t ask for more.
She’s deaf ‘n dumb, oversexed,
and owns a liquor store

That being the case, I must admit that I too would be lost. I would indeed be very unhappy losing a deaf ‘n dumb, and oversexed liquor store owner.

The article goes on to say:

Statistics show that in two-thirds of all American divorces, it’s the women who file for divorce.

And while men usually fare better financially than women in a divorce, experts say it’s the men who are much more likely to come unglued emotionally — seriously unglued.

Not sure where they get that idea? Men have been getting reamed in court for ages.

Eugene Palmore, a musician and seminary student in New York, told me that when his marriage ended more than 10 years ago, he spent weeks “not just crying …. I was wailing, and beating my pillow, just wondering, why?”

I asked the men in our group if they agreed with Palmore that it was far harder, emotionally, than they thought it would be. All raised their hands.

Most striking was Jim Martin, a purchasing manager from Connecticut. After his second divorce, he ended up in a three-room apartment in an attic. He couldn’t bring himself to furnish it. In fact, he told me those first few months were so dark that he contemplated suicide. His family, he thought, would be better off.

The truth is that men don’t do well alone. Some statistics show divorced men are eight times more likely than divorced women to commit suicide. And men without wives are twice as likely to suffer depression and heart attacks. (Could it be a sign of my drive for self-preservation that I’ve been married three times?)

Typically, a man’s first reaction to a marriage ending is anger. And it can be self-directed. Lots of divorced guys start smoking and drinking more. And many jump way too quickly into new relationships — relationships that are usually doomed.

“I was totally devastated at the time of my first marriage going bad, and ended up marrying practically the first girl I dated thereafter,” said Thompson. Not surprisingly, the second marriage didn’t last that long.

Eventually, all of the men in our group went into counseling. None of them ever expected that being alone could feel as bad as it did.

Counseling? Brothers, as you know by now, our site is all your need. Save your money.

Here’s more horse-hockey for your brothers, yes, the Mangina press machine tries it’s best to brainwash. It’s sad, but we are fighting it.

A Code of Masculinity

Terry Real, a psychologist and author of How Can I Get Through to You? Reconnecting Men and Women, says our culture’s masculine code dictates that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt. And it’s simply a lie.”

As I listened to our group of guys, I couldn’t help but wonder why it took a crisis for them to get in touch with their feelings. Hadn’t they been exposed to the women’s movement, or the men’s movement, for that matter? Hadn’t they heard of Mars and Venus? Or Oprah and Dr. Phil?

No, they probably haven’t, according to Real. “I think we like to think that there’s a lot more movement in men than there actually is. Oftentimes, I’ll say, ‘Would you treat a colleague or a supervisor the way you’re treating your wife?’”

The answer, says Real, is no, because they’d get fired. Part of the masculine code, he says, is a sense of entitlement, a sense that men can “go home, rip open our belts, pop open a beer, belch and be loved. And we just don’t get away with that anymore.”

And thank goodness for that.

What a load of Freakin Dung! You see the Dung slung at us daily by the mangina press? Brothers we are disrespected every day by the manginas and the femhags who hold jobs in the press.

Moving Forward

My sense is that the guys in our group, while remaining immune to change for so many years, are no longer in that state. In fact, they said several things that will stay with me.

First, they said if only their wives could see them now — if only they had changed while they were married — then perhaps their unions might have survived.

“I needed to be more attentive and I needed to do more listening, and I needed to pay more attention to my family than all the external success out there,” said Bolden.

Second, they have high hopes for future relationships. Changing their ways may have come too late to save their last marriages, but maybe not their next ones. Someday, they said they hope to remarry.

Unbelievable!!! You can see the skewed-hypnosis going on by the mangina-press, “We need to be better listeners? More attentive etc.” Always our fault eh? F.U!

Doormats wake up! Be men! If you remarry, you’re on your own.

My brothers over at the Don’t Get Married forum got it right: Here’s some brotherly love for you, since you made it this far in the posting!

Systems1082 writes:

Take away the 50%, child support, alimony, all her legal fees paid for and tell me cupcake will be in favor of “just” walking.

Women are entitlement princesses, and think every moment is about them, and it better be “fun”.

They have no idea how well they had it until feminism destroyed marriage.

tygr writes:

These women are getting divorced because they are following the trend of all their girl-friends.

Oops, I really meant -

“You just arent appreciating me enough.”
‘You dont value my needs as a woman.’
‘You are so demanding/dominating/controlling.’
‘You are so weak/timid/boring.’

But it is still OK, because -

“I still love you. I’m just not in love with you.”

Do women think for themselves? Or is it like I’ve stated 1 million times before? They are all plugged in to this one central female neurotic brain cloaked somewhere in orbit, and instead of thought processes, outputs from algorithms are sent to each woman for every emotion, feeling, ‘thought’, and word they say.

Independent reasoning and thought? Not possible.

felix writes:

They’ll find out when men finally demand justice: You want out of the marriage contract because you’re bored, not because of fault? Fine. No house. No “half” of the investments, pensions, etc. No alimony (“allhismoney”). No child support. You abandon your marriage (male or female) without just cause, then you walk with the clothes on your back. It’s called abandonment. It should be like breaking any OTHER contract: You make the other person whole. Logic and justice demand this, and so someday it will happen – if we make it happen. Until then, women can have their cake and eat my cake, too. So of COURSE they divorce! Heck, if my job had to pay me my salary even if I quit, do you think I’d go to work tomorrow?? (Actually I would; I have dignity and honor, but these are not topics women understand!).

anarchiste writes:

Increased lifespan has made marriage obsolete. Imagine, for just a minute, that we could live twoo hundred years, marry at twenty five and be married for…one hundred and seventy five years…..

People used to live 40-50 years, marry at 20 and be married for 20-30 years. That was bad enough, but now………

The new way is cohabitation with partner change every 2-5 years. Much better, isn’t it?

And less costly,too.

Stay single and live your life.

Systems1082 writes:
B I N G O ! My last place of employment the 30 something women were divorcing one by one to keep up with their “friends” They talked each other into divorce–I believe it’s called “herd mentality” women can’t think independently.

They’ll find out when men finally demand justice: You want out of the marriage contract because you’re bored, not because of fault? Fine. No house. No “half” of the investments, pensions, etc. No alimony (“allhismoney”). No child support. You abandon your marriage (male or female) without just cause, then you walk with the clothes on your back. It’s called abandonment. It should be like breaking any OTHER contract: You make the other person whole. Logic and justice demand this, and so someday it will happen – if we make it happen. Until then, women can have their cake and eat my cake, too. So of COURSE they divorce! Heck, if my job had to pay me my salary even if I quit, do you think I’d go to work tomorrow?? (Actually I would; I have dignity and honor, but these are not topics women understand!).”

Exactly. My 20 something friend believes in No Fault divorce, 50-50 split, women get house, children, child support, pensions. I asked her what if the laws changed so men and women left with only what they came in with, and the main bread winner keeps the house, children, pensions, all the assets? She said that would not be fair to women. Notice she admits women are leeching off of men, and it’s ok, but a man keeping his assets and children is unfair?

I really believe women aren’t capable of rational, logical, reasonable, or realistic thought. They need other women to make decisions for them–Herd Mentality.

goofball writes:

Western laws and culture have combined into a powerful force that sometimes brings out the worst of human nature.

Selfishness. Envy. Narcissism. All are characteristics that have been demonstrated by the women in this article. Why did they dump their husbands?

“I was not in love with him like you should be in love…”
“She simply said that I was ‘boring’…”
“…’spent too much time with the kids’…”
“if it’s (the marriage) not very good and growing and getting better, it’s not good enough.”
“We just didn’t have anything in common…”

These women have been seduced by what I call “the need for perfection”. For years, modern media have taught these women about “relationships”. In their own minds, they form a platonic ideal on relationships, and find that their reality doesn’t quite measure up.

Now, start adding envy…narcissism…selfishness…and what do you get? Women who will abandon their marriages (and sometimes hurt a lot of people in the process), all because they couldn’t be satisfied with what they had…

jerkmenistan writes:

I find it interesting that women push men in to marriage, and then when the marriage doesn’t live up to the fantasy women have in their minds, they kick their husbands to the curb.

Khankrumthebulgar Writes:
I sat across the table from a late thirties single Mom. A Brunette Hottie. Who told me she Divorced her First Husband because she was BORED. They had a Daughter, he was a good Father, worked hard. Provided well for her. Did not abuse her, mistreat her. He did not drink, engage in any vices, he was just boring. This is reality fellas. Women are unrealistic. And collectively insane.

dataguy (author of The Key To Understanding Women) provides some keen insight to the equation:

You know, it’s amazing. I’d say it’s a coincidence but it’s not. There’s a woman in my office right now who’s divorcing her husband, and she’s the one moving out. No apparent evidence of drugs, booze, abuse, or cheating. She just wasn’t “happy”. I swear to god nothing is ever really good enough for them.

The answer to the age old question, “What do women want?” isn’t puzzling or mysterious at all. A woman wants what ever some other woman she is aware of has, that she doesn’t have, and she wants it right now at this moment.

And for however long she doesn’t have it, she will whine and whine and whine and complain and complain and complain until she gets it. And from the moment she gets it, it’s only a matter of time before that’s not good enough either, because she just became aware of something else that some other woman has, that she doesn’t have, and now she has to have that, too. And of course she has to have it right now at this moment

If the woman across the street gets to stay at home with her kids, that’s what she wants. On the other hand, if the woman across the street gets to dump her kids in day care 12 hours a day and go off to a six-figure job, that’s what she wants.

If there is a woman at work who just had a baby, that’s what she wants. And if there’s a woman at work with three kids who’s splitting from her husband because she’s just not happy, then that’s what she wants.

There is one thing, and only one thing, that you can absolutely count on any woman to do, and that is what ever she thinks is going to make her feel emotionally comfortable, right now, at this moment. And, as often as not, that want was instigated by her awareness of something some other woman has that she doesn’t have.

Seb writes:

Basically men who get married in Western countries are in a no-win situation. As we are all aware the narcissistic entitlement princesses most Western women are, demand the “five star lifestyle” IE. the expensive house in the rich suburb, the expensive car/4WD (SUV),expensive jewellery. regular overseas holidays etc. However such a lifestyle requires a large income to pay for it.

This usually means the poor husband will be slaving way in a high pressure job with long hours, leaving his wife alone for long periods of time. The “bored housewife”, usually will complain about how her husband doesn’t spend enough time with her and the kids, she will then probably have an affair or will divorce her husband as he “didn’t meet her needs”.

ebachelor writes:

One principle in a free market economy is that competition makes people work hard. There is an element of fear (of unemployment) that motivates people and keeps them sharp. In a planned economy, people grow complacent, accustomed to a “free lunch”, and subsequently slack off, develop attitude, show up late, refuse to re-educate periodically, get stale, etc, etc.

I suppose this is the same thing in marriage. If “the wife” knows she’s gonna get a free lunch whether she sticks around or not, then basically she’s enjoying the fruits of socialism, while husband suffers the competition of capitalism. This is unacceptable. Unless the gal is really hot, or very rich. For example, Paris Hilton & Britney Spears are dirty s****s for sure, but they are a) young b) very rich. So a man is not liable to fair badly with either. Then again, there’s no telling how many Big Pharma wonder pills, booze, smoke & orgies she will indulge while attempting to fork() a child process.

Britney *child = new Britney(“drugs”, “alcohol”, “STDs”);
child->start();

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” ~ Milton Friedman

one more thing…

I have two female pet birds, and all they want to 24×7, is build a nest. They are even too old to lay eggs anymore, but if you let them out of the cage, they immediately scan the room looking for paper to shred, including dollar bills, magazines, etc.

Then I think of the housing bubble, where all the proles honestly believes they can get richer trading houses with each other. Well thats probably how men justify taking on a gigantic mortage 5-10x salary. It’s almost certain women are behind the housing bubble, always on the hunt for a bigger & better nest, justifying it with some flimsy B.S. like “its in a good skool district” (ie. this monster mortgage is for the children, you’re not against the children, are you?), or that old mindless standby “real-estate ALWAYS goes up”, so don’t be a chump, and buy me a bigger nest.

So don’t be surprised if “the wife” does the menopause thing, and is still eager to spend Sunday mornings shopping for McMansions, and accouterments to stuff into McMansions. Don’t blame her either, its genetic.

With over 1200 replies about this article over at Free Republic, one post summed it up best:

..”She simply said that I was ‘boring”

Entertain me or I will walk. He lost nothing of true value.

I was one of those boring husbands.

You know, the ones who come home every night to their families instead of fooling around with the office girls.

The ones who play with their children instead of going to the bars with their buddies.

The ones who are faithful to their wives instead of hitting on the neighbor’s wives.

And yes, I’m divorced. Twice.

Some women feel they have to be treated like c**p before they’re happy.

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Comments

29 Responses to “Dump The Chump: Why Do Women Divorce?”

  1. Karl Weiss on May 29th, 2007 4:16 pm

    The answer is that women want to be courted, all of their lives.

    Being generally passive, they won’t initiate these activities. They’ll complain of being unhappy, often citing trivial matters and faults, but the truth is they want the husband to keep on pursuing them, providing excitement and romance.

    It is one sided, but if you want to keep your wife and keep her happy, treat her as though you have to keep winning her heart.

  2. Ann on May 30th, 2007 2:13 pm

    Hello,
    Why do you think all women are spoiled and horrible? You don’t think that western values affect men at all? You don’t think that they too want it all? God, this article is a bunch of sexist b******t. I am a strong intelligent independent woman, and I think men simply rely heavily emotionally speaking on women, and it is extememly lonely being the only one to give emotionally and not recieve. The only thing it seems we can rely on men for is money, but we can do that ourselves, thank you. Now that our society supports strong women and have the same, well almost (we still are only paid 75% of what men are), opportunities, we don’t need men as much for financial support. That’s why women are divorcing men more and more. It’s because we can support ourselves financially. So marriage is then valued on an emotional basis, and typically women are more in tune with their emotions, and men typically just don’t offer as much of that.

  3. Chad Everett on May 31st, 2007 9:08 am

    RE: Ann: “The only thing it seems we can rely on men for is money”

    Give us a break Ann.!

    According to the U.S. Department of Labor, more that 95 percent of the people in the 10 most dangerous jobs are men: from timber cutters to construction laborers. Coal miner, which is 99 percent men, isn’t even in the top 10. We are in an era, in which men are widely portrayed as boors, crooks, or at best, beer-guzzling football watchers.

    The vast majority of people who work in iron foundries, coalmines, and other clanging, polluted environments are men. According to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, 92 percent of workplace deaths occur to men.

    Yes, men, who are willing to go into our basement to eradicate a rat population, dig into our sewers to ensure our toilets don’t back up, fish the Icy Alaskan waters to catch the salmon the doctors urge us to eat, build the homes we live in, the buildings we work in, and the highways and vehicles that take us there. In today’s era in which so many features extol the contributions of women, I believe it’s fair to say that men are unsung heroes.

    Yes men are dying every day. As we die from our hard efforts to bring money home to the family unit, women are spending that money as soon as we men earn it.

    As regards to women being in touch with their emotions…..Oh boy….

    Read this:
    http://www.dumpyourwifenow.com/2007/03/02/the-key-to-understanding-modern-american-women/

    A woman will always listen to her feelings, before and after she will listen to anything else (and also usually while she is listening to anything else). This means that, in order to get along well with a woman, a man must also constantly be listening to her feelings, and anticipating his behavior accordingly. In effect, women become emotional tyrants in relationships: everything in her life, and, by extension, in the life of anyone involved with her, ultimately ends up being ruled by whatever she happens to be feeling, whatever she thinks is right, and whatever she happens to want, from one moment to the next.

  4. alex on June 1st, 2007 9:38 pm

    Ann

    If the cause for so much divorce is that women are able to support themselves financially, then why do they so often seek to take half?

  5. Scott on June 16th, 2007 8:41 am

    Hello, after 18+ years of marriage, and some hard knocks at work, my wife’s attitude has changed and she has turned from “loving” to “hateful.” Furthermore, she confesses and emails the whole world (friends) on how unhappy she is about me and starts creating a resentment amongst them too!

    This is awful how can I make her pay for this?

  6. ncm on July 2nd, 2007 10:55 am

    Why is a women demonized if she realizes that she and her husband may not have been a good match? I’m starting to realize this now, but I am a”femihag” or a “witch” for being pragmatic. Both our careers are hectic and demanding, yet some how I am expected to put my years of investment into a career (and student loans, which I am responsible for) in jeopardy because I am the mother and wife. I plan to divorce my husband as amicably as possible. Yes I want the house, but thats’ because this was my house first, its cheap and currently I make less income. However, I don’t want his pension or life insurance. The only spousal support I ask for is repayment of credit taken out in my name to start his business (if his business becomes successful). I want us to have joint custody because my husband is a great father. He is a wonderful man, but we just can’t make the relationship equitable. He’s not abusive, he’s intelligent, loves his kids, works hard. However, I know what is like to watch a wife and mother stayed married for children, building up mountains of resentment – it hurts the children the most.

    I don’t spend anymore money than my husband – in a few years I will more than likely make more than he does. I don’t want his money – I just wanted happiness. Why must I subvert this basic human emotion to make sure that he is happy?

    I’ve been thinking that the first wife gets “used” up – we support the man and his dreams, live through the hard financial and emotional times and bear children through these times. Keep the house clean and food on the table. We even work, usually out of economic necessity. But, this level of endurance is bound to dissipate, and soon we have very little left.

    Signed – a tired young mother and wife just looking to be happy.

  7. curvylicious on July 7th, 2007 5:48 am

    Scott,

    Dump her a*s.

  8. James on August 5th, 2007 1:46 pm

    The womens’ posts here are excellent examples for men to see the truthfullness in this article. NCM’s post is a clear reminder of how it’s all about the money and Ann’s post is a textbook example of how women see a lot of men: As emotionless shells whose sole purpose is for women to suck them dry of their money.

  9. WC on August 6th, 2007 11:39 am

    To me I just didn’t make enough money. My wife left me for a “new life” without me in it and a 20,000 dollar raise. I only make 15 an hour. After the 200 dollars is taken off the top for the down payment on our house, there’s not much of a check left. 5 years into a 30 year mortgage. I wonder how the lawyers will work that out. I am a wreck now but I will be fine.

  10. Reverend Porkchops on August 9th, 2007 5:16 pm

    NCM, It sounds to me like the problem lies with you. You yourself admit that your husband is a good man. Thus, listening to your alleged “problem”, makes me wonder what on god’s green earth is going to make you “happier” by divorcing your “good man” husband? It seems to me that you are simply looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence, but no one seemingly had told you that the reason why the grass is greener over there is because it’s fertilized with b.s.

    The bottom line, which women need to understand, is that if the husband is not happy, then no one is happy. If you were a wise woman, you would focus your efforts and time to care for your husband’s happiness first and foremost, when he is happy then your happiness should naturally flow from his. But as you describe, you are like a typical western woman who can only focus solely upon her happiness, and blame all of your unhappiness upon your husband, thus your reason for divorcing your husband.

  11. diz on August 16th, 2007 7:36 pm

    “When she turns off, it’s not that she’s forgotten. It’s that she’s started to give up on the relationship.”

    ncm, I’m totally relating to you. Marriage is so often a union of mis-matched personalities. We make the best of it, believing in our vows. We build a history and a family together, but finally we face the truth that we both made a mistake. We watch him long for what we are not designed to give him. We ourselves long for what is alien to him. Concern for the children keep the years accumulating.
    we both need to be put out of our misery.

    Guys, once the writing is on the wall, why can’t we recognize that our season together is over? It was most likely a mistake from the start, but we gave it our best shot together. If your’re so unhappy as to be always looking for the greener grass somewhere else isn’t it time for us both to find some life-giving experience elsewhere?

    After 12 years of marriage my ex told me he didn’t love me and never really did, that he was pushing 40 when we met and he just wanted to be married. So he settled on me. He also said he never really liked me the whole time, but just kept hoping that he would as time went on. So much for the vows (which he never kept because he always had one foot outside our so-called commitment). So, yeah, when we divorced, I got half of everything, including support while I attended a university for a degree. And I feel that I deserved this much for what it ended up that I had signed on for.

    I know that not all men are like this, but just as there are some women who are ****, so there are men who are also. I know they are all not that way, but my path has not encountered one personally. Don ‘t you guys find that marriage can be more lonely and filled with a sense of entrapment than being single? I do. Thus, today I am single and content. What drives so many of us to link up with the wrong people, I have no idea? I’ve had lots of theories, but life has shown that there is no formula. As mom used to say, “You pay your money and you takes your chances.” Just be careful out there if you still have the desire to link up with someone. Take your time. Use your gut and your common sense, and may luck be with you. It’s a thorny world out there among the roses.

  12. Shauna on August 17th, 2007 9:42 am

    This article confirms something about men and women that I’ve known for awhile, and that’s the fact that women tend to be more…”hardened” by relationships than men. It starts out with what the sexes are generally taught about s*x and relationships.

    Men are often taught that s*x is not a big deal unless it’s within a specific relationship (ie: marriage). Women, on the other hand, are taught that s*x is important no matter who you do it with. But on the other hand, if a man pays lots of attention to a woman who he’s not having s*x with, his wife or girlfriend may be more jealous than if he was simply having s*x on the side simply because the “emotional connection” is there. Same goes for if a woman has a “great male friend” who she spends more time with than her husband or boyfriend. Many men will feel slightly jealous but would only get really threatened if she were having s*x with the male friend.

    Similarly, when it comes to relationships, girls are often sexually and hormonally ahead of boys simply due to biology. They talk about the boys they like with their girlfriends when boys are still free of such neurotic desires. And often, when the boys finally *do* get old enough to start having s****l and relationship desires, they’re hampered by a big problem: who can you talk to about relationships? Most male friends want to hear the breakdown of how much you made out, got to second base, or “went all the way”, but many men are specifically taught to feel uncomfortable with the dynamics of a relationship. So, they go to the next best thing; actions and events. Instead of thinking necessarily how his wife might be feeling (which, due to the emotional submissiveness that is programmed into most women, is hidden by the woman meticulously so he’s supposed to psychically know that she’s upset while acting cheerful), he judges his success in the relationship by the activities he does with his wife or his children. If his wife is smiling as she brings dinner to the table or laughs at one of his jokes, how the hell is he to know she’s brooding and really just wants him to give her a back rub or kiss her neck?

    The truth is, that most of our traditional gender roles practically FORCE men and women to slowly but surely cut each other off and kill the relationship between them.

    *sarcasm* And heaven forbid that the marriage or relationship look anything less than “perfect”, because if you have a fight or an argument, that must mean that the relationship is over! *sarcasm*

    In the end, I can see where a lot of women might want to leave their husbands because it’s really not “doing it” for them anymore. Or they feel that they simply have the “right” to be b******s to their husbands just like some past husbands have traditionally been b******s to their past wives.

    However, this “getting even” behavior really doesn’t tend to work. And as I’ve said before, most women try using manipulation and nuances to hint at what they want, rather than coming out and saying it. She may rather get a divorce than work things out and have the man yell at her or attack her verbally, which is simply not the way that she is used to doing it, while being subtle, hinting, and using manipulative diplomatic language is usually not the first thing on a man’s mind when his wife goes on about how she wants to leave.

    So in the end, I suggest a compromise. Everyone has something to work on, so I suggest that you ask the woman in the relationship in a non confrontational way that she be open, honest, and glib when it comes to what she wants in the relationship. You want her to be explicit when she desires something because you’re not psychic. And believe me, most women don’t seem to be able to understand this until someone says it to their faces.

    And in return, tell her that you will try to become better tuned at “reading people” (which is a good skill to have anyway), by trying to understand that her behavior may not always dictate her mental state.

    Even in healthy relationships, there are problems, so I also suggest that if you’re upset at each other, you need to sit down and discuss things like adults. Keep it on subject (no letting one person or both getting into a “hate fest” or a “blame fest”), and lay out the problem, as well as possible solutions. So many people seem to think that if you have a “perfect” relationship that means that no one is ever angry or fights, but that usually just means that both people resent one another and are silently brooding, which is not healthy.

  13. Kim on August 18th, 2007 3:35 pm

    Great post.

    I resent Ann’s comment that all we need men for is money…and not even that. This is much of what’s wrong with marriage today, that type of attitude.

    and ncm…

    There are times in all marriages when things aren’t great, but if you’re unhappy, you need to fix that problem, it’s not your husband’s responsibility to make you happy. You’re never going to find that perfect person, because he doesn’t exist. If you have a family together, and he treats you well, then you should make it work. Chances are that in time, things will improve, especially if you start finding ways to be happy with yourself, without expecting to get that from somebody else. IMO, finding out your husband is only human is not an acceptable reason to end your marriage and put your children through a divorce.

  14. Curiepoint on August 22nd, 2007 12:10 pm

    Fine…Not happy and want a divorce? Great, go for it.

    But if he’s paying the mortgage, he gets the house.

    If you have kids, and you want free and easy, let him take them.

    If you have no marketable skills and thus are unemployable, move in with mom and dad and go back to school. Don’t dun him for your lifestyle choices.

    The point is not the devastation of losing a wife that bothers us half as much as being made a fool of for x number of years, and still being made responsible for funding her way towards “a happier life”.

    The bottom line: you want out of the marriage, get out of his life entirely.

    Guys, diz makes one good point: marriage will ultimately lead to being more lonely than being single. Do not marry as you will regret it in time.

  15. vcthree on August 22nd, 2007 2:31 pm

    “The only thing it seems we can rely on men for is money, but we can do that ourselves, thank you.”

    If that were true, then there’s no need for alimony or child support, right?

  16. Vince Melito on September 2nd, 2007 6:58 am

    OK guys and gals – experience tells me that our partners are not at all responsible for our happiness. Those who leave their spouse to be relieved of boredom or to bring the possibility of happiness are mistaken. Whether you are with someone or alone, you must take out your internal trash and do the necessary things to maintain your own mental health and happiness. Then you can share this with your partner.

    Polarizing should be limited to s*x – because if we polarize again, as men and women, the the right wrong scenarios will begin and the dominant of the two polarities will take control of the working markets and trade agai.. This is not a new phenomenon, but has repeated itself historically.

    What I believe is missing here is humility, from both sexes. I must admit that my experience is that men are more stable emotionally than women and that I wouldn’t have put my heart in my own mothers hands – her intense vacillation and harbored hatred would have killed me.

    Has anyone here ever heard of the Collective Female Pain Body ?- Read Ekhart Tolle …Awesome.

  17. steve on November 6th, 2007 2:53 am

    I’ve never been married, but even girlfriends treat me this way. As soon as they get bored or think they can do better, they are gone, but will lie to me the entire time saying everything is fine until I am notified I am dumped. I usually realize it’s coming, but I ask them what’s wrong, they deny anything is wrong, then I get told things aren’t working out and nothing can change it, and basically they have a new boyfriend the next day. I don’t think they understand the concept of loyalty and are so self absorbed.

    I’m shocked how well these articles describe my ex-girlfriend, and ex-girlfriends in the past. It’s going to suck being celibate but I’m not into casual relationships, which seems to be the only way to not have your heart broken these days. I’m just sick of being constantly lied to.

    It’s a mistake in life to think everyone plays by the golden rule. They simply do not. My view of humanity has been totally destroyed. I’m sure men can be terrible too, but I’ve found them to be far more honest. I just don’t see how a man can even manage to get married these days, given the fact that women change their minds ever 5 seconds.

    At least I avoided divorce, but how do you get even that far?

  18. Shan on November 7th, 2007 12:19 pm

    Ok, so maybe a different light… I’ve been married for almost 5 years. Of which, in the last 30 months. yes, months. I’ve had s****l relations with my husband TWICE. and thats only because I got desperate and drunk. Prior to the kids (3.5 and not quite 1. one of the 2x in the last nearly 3 years) I was always the aggressor….but with the kids and my job, i’m just too tired to be rebuffed after a hour of trying, every day for 1-2-3 months before getting any. I bring home double his income, and do about 90% of the housework, bills, banking, dr appts for HIM as well as the kids, etc. Basically, i’m the wife and husband both. He’s only making enough to cover childcare.

    He’s depressed, in a terrific rut, and well…s*x drive slump of the ages. Oh, and he’s gained over 100lbs since we met. he blames me for that (i gained and lost 70lbs with each of the two kids, and weigh approx 200lbs less than he does currently) He brings nothing to the table, physically, emotionally, financially, sexually.

    Cause I do that for myself, too.

    Am I spoiled daddy’s girl for being frustrated and bored with him?
    Am I asking too much for a person who WANTS and TRIES to be a equal partner to me? atleast in some aspect?

    I don’t think so.

    And no, should I divorce him (it’s looking that way) I won’t be seeking half of everything. He keeps his car he had before we met, I keep mine (both cars are 8yrs old) and hopefully i’ll get SOME childsupport from him so I can pay for daycare without being totally strapped for cash. But I can make it either way, with or without his money.

    I don’t think i’ve ever changed my mind on him and my wants/needs. he was at those levels when I met him, and he regressed or stood still, while I’ve grown as a person/wife/mother/worker. It shouldn’t be demanding to expect the same in your partner.

    I can see how one might resent a stay-at-home mother/houswife for being bored and divorcing or whatever…but I’m in the opposite situation. I feel like I’m the husband, and HE is the “wife” and i’ve just become overwhelmed, under serviced, and bored with him mentally.

    If you can’t step your game up to your partner’s level, then it’s time to move on to a new partner, methinks.

  19. Mikey on November 18th, 2007 5:22 pm

    Watch out for a divorce after buying a new home. It seems that after an “upgrade” to a larger more expensive home, men are at their most vulnerable.

  20. Clare on November 21st, 2007 11:33 am

    Wow.

    Just. Wow.

    That wow is not pointed at the men, by the way.

  21. Luna on November 25th, 2007 11:11 am

    I almost completely agree with ncr. Sometimes, love just doesn’t work. it’s not that she’s not happy, it’s that as time has gone by, she realized that he isn’t… there’s a certain quality every human looks for in love. sometimes it fades away, sometimes it remains. As I read through this entire article I noticed there is no mention of people like my mother, who has remained happily married to my father. In fact, my FATHER was the one who divorced a woman before he married my mother, and my mother never married anyone but him. They are both still in love after 34 years of marriage – not all women are out to steal your money. Actually, when I was younger and my mother was working along with my father, my mother earning not too much less than him, every time one of them bought something, I was to thank my father. Why? He only did it half the time. Every time something good happened to the family financially,. even if my mother achieved it, I was to thank my father or he’d be upset. Why? He was looking for a thank you that was not deserved.

    I do not hate my father. I love him, and my mother. I just want to point out that it’s not always the woman’s fault, it’s not always the man’s fault, and not every couple divorces.

  22. CSavage on November 29th, 2007 8:00 pm

    This site is soooo stereotypical. What about the wife who gave 20 years and thought that their husband walked on water? I did instigate the divorce after finding the so-called “love-of-my-life” in bed with the another piece of garbage after 20 years of marriage. After he turned 45 he decided he had missed out on life and that I should sit in the wings and wait until he got it all out of his system. No thanks…..too many diseases to catch from his fun and a slap in the face to my self-esteem. I left with my clothes and the dogs. Am I the scum-of-the-earth? I am a professional and could make my own living, but needed my pride to remain intact. So, he got the house, the furniture and everything else. We aren’t all selfish demons. Some of us are victims too….don’t forget that.

    I’ve been alone for 5 years now and will not go down the marriage path again. I think that everyone is capable of selfish behavior and I don’t care to be in the wake of such selfishness.

  23. leftyf on December 6th, 2007 8:28 pm

    Tell me guys…any of you ever heard this one?

    Mi Mi Mi…going into shrill screaming female voice:

    MY GAWD HOW YOU HAVE CHANGED!!

    Changed? Me? Probably…but, ya know it takes women like that to make men like me. I wasn’t born like this… you molded me into the man you see here today.

    Happy now? I’ve become everything you said you never wanted…and I had all the help in the world.

    And, remember boys…this is my personal fave, “Do the right thing, set me free .

  24. Amber on December 14th, 2007 11:59 am

    I think we’re missing the underlying issue here. Did anyone ever stop to think that people are getting married without truly being “in love”? First of all, if you’re unhappy in a relationship, you don’t really love the person. If you can’t find happiness on your own, you don’t love yourself… you’re living in despair (hell on Earth). Self-love is the foundation of every kind of love there is. So, it seems many of the issues are a product of self-hate, which women are so obviously and annoyingly guilty of.

    Secondly, habit is a problem that ruins relationships. Do the same damn thing over and over again, you’ll get bored. Worst of all, you’ll start taking the person/people you love for granted. What’s more, the kind of “love” we swear to have for each other forever, isn’t the kind of love you want to swear by at all. Erotic (spontaneous) love fades because we “love” the person based on qualities that aren’t lasting. Try loving the person based on their soul (if people even believe there are such things anymore).

    Thirdly, I will begrudgingly (only because I’m a woman and I have an obvious bias) admit that women don’t seem to hold loyalty and faithfulness as dear to their hearts as men, which is incredibly ironic. Ironic because as women, we expect our significant others to be faithful through and through. So much as ogle another woman and the accusations start flying… we’re so damn embarrassingly jealous it makes me sick. As soon as our love lives are consumed with habit or as soon as we being to see “he isn’t the man we fell in love with,” we’re gone. Where’s the loyalty, ladies? Women who commit this act of disloyalty are unethical… if you define being ethical as being virtuous, that is. Being a faithful person, being a loyal person makes you virtuous. Seriously, if you think what I’m about to say is stupid for any reason, there’s something wrong with you — Being faithful is important. DON’T just get up and leave the people in your life behind just because you FEEL a different way. It’s completely selfish if you think that’s an okay thing to do. As was said before, you are responsible for your own happiness

  25. Curiepoint on December 29th, 2007 5:18 am

    No, but more than 50% do divorce.

    Of those, it’s the wife who files 2/3 of the time.

    Of those, it’s under the aegis of No Fault”. That is to say: “He doesn’t thrill and delight me like the trained seal he is. I’m bored Wah Wah Wah…”

    They don’t start off hating the husband, but with some cajolling from her lawyer, she will work up a good mad at him, and then parlay that into unspeakable horrors and degradations perpetrated at his hands.

    Since it is more and more legal and acceptable for a wife to murder her husband outright, maybe she can just cut out the middle-man and instead of buying a lawyer, she can just purchase ammo and a weapon.

  26. ronnie on January 23rd, 2008 6:32 am

    I agree with Felix above. It is simply far to easy for women to walk away with really nothing to lose, and lots to gain, if “chump” is the sole bread-winner.

    There needs to be a change – make it harder to divorce – more to lose for the individual.

  27. OzCynic on February 18th, 2008 4:38 am

    Ann is being very honest when she writes:

    The only thing it seems we can rely on men for is money

    Let’s slightly rephrase that to:

    The only thing we [women want] men for is money.

    I agree.

    Girls: LISTEN to yourselves, will ya? After all we men have to, so this is the age of equality, start listening to yourselves.

    ANY relationship is about inequality. ALL relationships are about inequality. If that person whom you are in a relationship with is not your exact carbon-copy clone, then that person will be able to do things you cannot, and you’ll be able to do thing THEY cannot.

    WHOOP-DE-F##KING-DO.

    Isn’t that why you went into a relationship in the first place? Because that other person supplied something (money, in the case of a male) you might not be able to supply? Companionship, (Heaven forbid!) perhaps?

    Think about this demand for equality – it means everything and everyone exactly the same. That’s utter RUBBISH. Every person is different (gasp, startling discovery, there!) and that means DIFFERENCE. Difference means “not equal”.

    The problem with women is they want to separate the responsibility from the power – the power to do as they please to whomever they like without responsibility for their actions. As for the clueless narcissists like Ann….HECK, what would you rather your hubby do? BEAT YOU EVERY NIGHT? Spend every cent of his paycheque down at the local bar while eyeing off barmaids?

  28. togse on April 20th, 2008 1:12 am

    hello,

    a considerable percentage of ppl are simply “boring”. they’ll get what they deserve as a result. thats all you need to know in this world. whether it is dating or in business.

  29. karla on February 8th, 2009 2:40 am

    You can fall out of love. Plain and simple. Morally I feel you try to make it work and enjoy the relationship at its diffferent points. The beginning is suppose to feel exhilerating and as it progresses that can change. Enjoy the change for what it brings like the connection you share now as opposed to then (the love, and work put into it) because it isn’t suppose to stay the same as it was. Men do get boring, not to say all women are fun but men… as you get older you do get more boring. Do what you can to try to hold onto a good person and try hard. If you do this and think positive and have a selfless attitude and not a selfish attitude, you usually will progress in that relationship and it has the posssibility to sustain and breathe a renewed life into you and your partner. To the above extremely sexist men that wrote in, you all just found the wrong one. I love my husband, sure he’s boring at times and I can financially make it on my own. I make more then he does. But I love him and I’m in this for the long haul. Sorry bro’s … you just got burned…but I’m sure you didn’t live up to her expectations and FYI when a woman leaves you and you “didn’t know it for years…BS! you did know, you just didn’t care to try anymore, untill she left. Stop blaming women for the fact that you didn’t live up to what you made yourself out to be.

Did you know there is someone right now in willing to cheat on their spouse to have fun with you?

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