25 Ways A Woman Can Please Her Man In Bed

January 9, 2007

If you’re looking to read the biggest pile of donkey c**p ever to splat on a blog, look at Fifty Mistakes Men Make When Having s*x. The writer seems to think that women are these delicate, naive, little flowers, devoid of all spontaneity and lust. This is a s*x guide written by Disney for 14-year-old girls.

Thank goodness someone decided to clean up that pile of horse-hockey and rewrite it like it should be written. And who is that brilliant writer who speaks for the Modern Alpha Male? Why it’s Tweaker Chick, a woman. An enlightened woman at that. The TweekerChick doesn’t give a f**k what you have to say. Nor does she encourage feedback of any kind. She was kind enough to rewrite the list with her rebuttal. Men, feel free and hand this down to your eldest son. Doormats and Manginas, take notes.

The Politics of F**king aka 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having s*x. (We cleaned up some of the language so we don’t evoke that nasty filter in Google. We want everyone to know about this amazing scripture!

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid b***h. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner’s mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your o****m. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. s*x makes most women want to talk and bond and all that c**p. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That c**p is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pronstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the c**p that Cosmo forces down our throats, s*x is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a s*x bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that c**p, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his “one-eyed geelah monster” instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some “trim”. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. I’m pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that c**p if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that s*x means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral s*x just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral s*x because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having s*x? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving c*****s up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a c****m, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a s**t, you shouldn’t be having s*x anyway. Go back to Jr. High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little s**t. When he calls you a w***e and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes s*x OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. s*x is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a scaredy cat to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his “one-eyed geelah monster” in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

For 25 more precious jewels of wisdom, feel free to visit Tweaker Chick. Do us a favor and send our regards. Tweaker Chick, please let us know when you open your boot camp for the inept sexually oppressed female.

Also Ladies, if you want to get down to the nitty gritty, here’s a great kit that will more than enhance your skills. And you’ll finally get an idea of the one thing men CRAVE more than anything else in the bedroom, Click Here!


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14 Responses to “25 Ways A Woman Can Please Her Man In Bed”

  1. Reverend Porkchops on January 10th, 2007 5:35 am

    The problem in western nations is that most women have gone to the extremes. Most women are either c**k blockers or they spread their legs for anything that moves or comes with batteries, there’s no reasonable balance between these extremes, thus very few women in the west have a healthy view of s****l intimacy — yet the vast majority of western women cry for a monogamous relationship with a man. Go figure.

  2. Khankrumthebulgar on January 15th, 2007 3:01 pm

    Simple formula for Marital happiness. Don’t spend us into insolvency. Cook us home made meals on a regular basis. Give us time to unwind and to reconnect mentally before the complaint department opens for business. A regular romp in Bed at least 3 times in Bed, weekly. And an occassional s****l escapade. Be inventive. Regular verbal appreciation, respect, admiration. Cold Beer or beverage. Laugh at our jokes now and then. Let us be Men, not Metrosexuals, Men Damnit.

    Let us be Fathers and discipline our children. Acknowledge we will not be your Girlfriends, or will want to act like one. Let us enjoy our Sports, and have some downtime with our Buddies. Men are simple. We don’t need alot. We will walk over broken glass to please you, give our lives to protect you. And listen to your concerns.

    We will not emote like you. We are hard wired differently. If you are worried about directions. Invest in a GPS device. End transmission.

  3. Curiepoint on January 25th, 2007 2:43 pm

    The only way a western woman can please me in bed is if she just let me sleep.

  4. anonymous on March 22nd, 2007 12:24 pm

    It’s “Gila” monster, not “Geela”.

    Oh, and it’s pronounced “Heela”.

  5. Doninya on January 16th, 2008 10:07 am

    This was the best advice i ever got.i made my daughter read it!!! I always new that men love s*x.But now im going ot make sure I do too.yeaaaa.

  6. Annoyed on February 13th, 2008 9:49 am

    I have to say this was the worst advice ever. Obviously you have only been with men who don’t give a s**t about you. The only advice in this article was to give up any bit of respect you might have for yourself in order to f**k a man that will most likely not have respect for you either. I don’t think you are in any position to be giving advice to anyone.

  7. Sharon on February 13th, 2008 11:09 pm

    How about “25 Ways A Husband and Wife Can Please Each Other In Bed”? It goes both ways guys.

  8. Sharon on February 21st, 2008 3:07 am

    If you do not show that you care about or have an interest in your “signifigant other” as a person outside the bedroom, you can not always expect them to want to have s*x with you inside the bedroom. Unless of course, your relationship is solely based on s*x.

  9. John on March 30th, 2008 3:11 am

    Sharon contrary to what you have been lead to believe, love and s*x are two different things and you don’t need one to have the other. If your partner is not giving you what you want then just look elsewhere, Thailand is a good place to start.

  10. The Colorado Man on April 1st, 2008 5:56 am

    Funny as Hell… What’s sad is that they are true…

  11. ada on June 17th, 2008 2:45 am

    how do i put my man to bed?

  12. New York Transplant on June 20th, 2008 11:27 am

    That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. LOL the “hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha” had me laughing for a good three minutes. So much — not all — is true. We (women) do have a tendency to expect too much and then are disappointed when our men let us down. Let’s let them be them. And appreciate them for it.

  13. april on November 4th, 2008 8:59 am

    i loved this aricle it made me giggle.and its so right.and all the people dissing the article then jsut remember its how to please your man in bed nothing else. thumbs up loved it x

  14. LillyLovatt on January 17th, 2009 11:27 am

    Oh my gosh this was the best thing i have ever read!!! i have to admit i was once a bit of a lazy bore in bed but after reading this i realise that i have to put a bit of effort in!!!
    THANK YOU!!!!!

Did you know there is someone right now in willing to cheat on their spouse to have fun with you?

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